OFF THE VINE: When truth is way weirder than fiction

Renowned marketing guru Gregg Ainsworth has left Allied Domecq! Vine is almost in shock, having relied on Gregg for an endless supply of bizarre anecdotes and groan-worthy jokes for the last couple of years. But he's not leaving us with nothing - in fact, true to form, he put together a list of Top 10 Reasons to explain his departure from the drinks giant, and we are proud to present them to you now. 1) "I am no longer able to keep the requisite straight face when I say, 'We'd really like to do that, but it's the Chinese symbol for death'." 2) Since I joined, my hair's gone grey, I've put on five kilos and I've had important parts of my anatomy removed. 3) You've heard all my jokes at least twice now. 4) After five great years, a sixth would be asking too much (much like that "difficult second album"). 5) There are absolutely NO other Everton fans, and it gets lonely. 6) If I see one more project name that starts with 'aD', I will spontaneously combust and go on a looting spree. 7) I can neither spell Laffroygue nor pronounce Islay. 8) My friends are sick of me getting shirty every time they order a Bailey's or Jack Daniels. 9) Just one person too many has said, 'Ooh, that must be a hard job, hee hee'. 10) I have to disprove my own theory that Allied Domecq has the most unique combination of terrific people and beautiful brands that has ever existed." Vine is looking to confirm rumours that Gregg will now be leading a life as a female impersonator. Let us know if you hear anything.

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